Diary of an Imprisoned Soul PT. 12………..Life right now is OKAY!

     I try to began each day by being thankful. Thankful that I, unlike many of the women with whom I developed friendship with, in the federal Prison Camp, am a few months from being done with the most challenging part of my life to date. After this experience, I have learned to leave room for whatever, Lol, just remaining aware of the fact that I can endure and excel through anything. Like I have stated many times, the hard part of this process for me has been the mental and emotional part of connecting with the fact that I am not free to do as please. And as I start to actively participate in my halfway free process I find that I am more aware of that fact, than I have ever been. 

     I know that we take our freedom for granted and I am not just speaking in terms of our physical freedom but all of our freedoms. Our freedom to love, to live however we choose, our freedom to be kind, our freedom to be evil. We often have propensity to abuse our freedoms and as I enter the best part of my life I want to always remember that during this process I fundamentally lost all of my rights to live as myself and how that loss deeply touched my soul to the core. I think I have always operated as a kind soul, who loved unconditionally but this is on a new level. I no longer want other to do as I feel they should do. That part of me is gone, I truly believe that we all fall into our own rightful place eventually or not. Lol.  

     Being in the “halfway” or “reentry” part of this process has been very eye opening. I am encountering barriers that I knew were there and would impact my life but no matter how much I have prepared myself for this transition it still hurts. It hurts because as I am labeled as being a serial money launderer and a serial fraud I know that it is not me. I am not saying I did not make any unintended mistakes but the public does not critically look at each individual, I am viewed as a ‘Bernie Madoff’ type criminal and sad to say that is much worse than being a drug addict or drug dealer in the eyes of the public. This is a strange and very interesting place to be in my life. It hurts to know that I will forever be judged by this experience when and only when I need something from someone else, like a job. Lol. So my goal is to create my own position in the world again and alleviate that barrier. In the meantime as I critically analyze how I am going to survive and what positions are available I laugh out loud. Because I can not work in health care for ten years and with the implementation of Obama care that pretty much pushes me out on the fringes lol. And that leaves retail and sales but I have 18 counts of money laundering so I am not to be trusted around money. I keep thinking to myself that this is some cosmic joke lol. I am not whining about it I am simply stating some real facts. The issues of reentry are troubling and challenging on many levels for lots of people not just myself. I know I encompass the ability to create my own space and place in the world but the challenge is just getting there. In the meantime I must focus on assisting my teenager son with transitioning into young adulthood. So that is where I will place the majority of my focus at this time. Being over 180 miles always from home makes that goal challenging, but in a few more months this too will be a part of my yesterday. And as my teenaged son reminded me last night when he said, ” mom don’t worry about things.so far in the future, just do today!” I was once again refocused on the current moment and no it is not how I planned it but it is okay.   

     I don’t know where I will end up but I do know that where ever and whatever I do I will be phenomenal. Because I know no other way to operate. I am once again thankful for my teenager son , family and friends. I am also and will forever be thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good.  
The journey continues…………………Felonious phd. 10/2015

The Unplanned Journey PT. 13……………… A whole TWO years!!!!!

Today marks my second year of being incarcerated within the Federal Criminal Justice System. The promising part about my current status is that being in the halfway house and living a partially free life has provided me with an opportunity to slowly reintegrate myself into my sons life. For that I am and will be forever grateful. I have experienced so many different emotional and spiritual ebbs and flows, as I consistently seek out mindful ways to consciously maneuver through the challenging Federal Criminal Justice process. As I operate in the middle of freedom, I continue to witness that this process is more about money between the systems, then one that serves as a catalyst to assist those off us who were incarcerated with integrating into their communities and their families lives. No matter how much I have grown used to its dysfunction I continue to be mystified and astonished by our American Criminal Justice system and its lack of productivity, planning and evidence based accountability. Once again I ask. “Is this real life?” I also began to understand who is really committing fraud and breaking the laws of man, that are created to justify holding some of us accountable.      As I rode off of the Victorville Camp on September 8th 2015, I took a moment and I breathed a deep deep breath. No matter where I was headed I felt so incredibly relieved to drive away from there. I felt so excited to have that part behind me. I do and will always carry the women with me that remained legally trapped within the process for years and years. Many non violent, low level, aging women mothers sisters daughters and friends. This process is forever imprinted on my soul. It has not and it will not define me but it has deeply touched me for sure that I can not deny                                                   

Now as I am attempting to operate in the middle in the halfway house, I have found that it is essential that I take a moment and be mindful of the fact that I have endured a traumatic experience, no matter how normal other free citizens want to make this process, I know that it is more harmful than good for certain individuals, families and communities. So no matter how much I would rather look for those wonderful rainbows and reach for the butterflies I must consciously and authentically speak my truth. This shit is painful unlike no other at times. Mainly because it truly serves little to no purpose and as I sit in a mice and roach infested building and continue to progress mindfully through this criminal justice process I have to continue to fight for my own happy and peace. It is truly a system that has lost its way and clearly lost its purpose if there ever was one to begin with.

 I tell myself that I must be thankful for one , I am halfway free and second that I did not get years and years like many of the other women I have met in the camp. I will always be mindful of that fact but at the same time I have to ask what is the point? Why incarcerate non violent, low level, women, mothers, sisters and daughters. Other than for money there truly is no point to over criminalization and mass incarceration. It is all about the money not ethics or principles. Now as I am re-entering and trying to find a balance in my life I am first forced to find employment. Any form of employment so that I can pay the halfway house 25 percent of my earnings from my GROSS Pay. Lol. I will talk about this process more in the future. So I am criminalizes and separated from my career and then told to go find a job. It really is absurd when you think about it and from my minimum wage job I am supposed to secure housing, pay my fines, pay restitution and pay 25 percent. What a complete set up for failure. I completely understand recidivism. That is all I have to say.  

I Am and will forever be FREE! Nothing or no one will ever be able to Imprison my soul or heart ever again. These last two years of incarceration and five year ordeal has shown me that I have the ability to operate far Beyond Resilient and continue to seek the peaceful and loving life I have always worked towards. Life is good. It is not easy but it is worth living. Peace.  

The journey continues……………………..feloniousphd 10/2015 

One month of being halfway free!!

After having one month of freedom from being physically incarcerated for 23 months and emotionally and legally incarcerated for nearly five years, I have to admit that I feel phenomenal.   I continue to be very frustrated with the legal process and how the system continues to create barriers for success even after being released.   I am going to refrain from discussing the halfway house limitations,  but I will say that even as I sit in the middle of one of the toughest areas in San Francisco,  I feel safe inside of the halfway house.  As a woman that has always been my concern throughout this process.  Mainly because I know I can  manage to get through anything else, but feeling safe is imperative to my well being.   So for that I am thankful.   The halfway house process is similar to every agency or stakeholder involved in benefitting financially from incarcerated souls.  So at this time I won’t be repetitive in my discussions.    Emotionally I have ups and downs because prior to this process I had a purpose and now I sit here as a 51 year old woman trying to embrace all that I have been through in an attempt to clarify or identify my new purpose outside of living peacefully and lovingly.    This process I am sure will be on going and I am fine with that.  Professionally I find myself becoming a bit impatient because I have always been a person who have taken care of herself.   Now I am sitting within a system that truly does not respect or encourage self sufficiency, and that continues to baffle me.    My own consciousness of truth at this point is that I have to continue to surrender.  I must continue is to remain connected and aware and hopeful that eventually everything will be as they should as long as I do my part.     I am forever thankful that I can call my son daily and participate in his academic progress as well as be a part of his daily adolescent challenges.    So happy!!!! As usual I am thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment.   Life is good.

The journey continues…………..feloniousphd. 10/15