Prison Industrial Complex Part 4…………………….. Conscious Awareness Identity (CAI)-Is this real Life?

Okay! I know that as long as I am alive there is going to be ongoing chaos and madness going on in the World.  But lately there have been a tremendous amount of talking points and incidents that are directly related to my present life within the “belly of the beast”  The Prison Industrial Complex.   Consistently, in the News, I have heard many familiar Federal Criminal Justice System terms, such as, Federal Investigation (a constitutional invasion of Americans privacy, dignity and humanity), Indictment (DOJ & IRS means for terrorizing and destroying its own citizens and fiber of our Country) Imprisonment (deconstruction of a human soul, rendering him/her powerless for the entirety of his/her life as an American Citizen), BOP (a financial broker of goods, services and labor for cheap, off the backs of imprisoned souls and tax payers dollars), Re-Entry (a complete joke! we were never meant to survive this atrocious systemic oppressive system) Supervised Release-Probation (a gateway back to prison and the only means the PIC has to ensure that PRISONS remain the only option for addressing issues of non-violent, non-intentional crimes, maladaptive behaviors, mental illness and poverty).  These terms have become part of normal conversation within our USA News cycle.  Yes, I added my own definition for each phase of this process and those are cliff note versions of my consciousness of truth in regards to the Federal Criminal Justice System process.  I plan to expand on those concepts once I am physically free, lol.

Daily on the News, yes! I know I should cease watching the highly political and fear based stream of information, I have become aware that I may be overly aware and connected to any and every incident that occurs Nationally within the Federal Criminal Justice System Process.  At this point, and considering my circumstances, it is difficult to not be awake.  Honestly, as I sit here I am witnessing an Indictment on a Nation at an seemingly increasing rate.  On a weekly basis there are reports of new indictments on Politicians,  Professionals, Organizations (no banks officials of course! lol) and even Sports.  Everyone has fallen under the Department of Justice’s archaic, mobster-like criminal codes such as FRAUD, CORRUPTION, RICO and CONSPIRACY (these are terms I plan to expand on in the future when I am physically free, lol). Once again I sit in this dehumanizing space asking, “Is this real life?” and “Is anyone paying attention?” whew!!

I know that because I am an INMATE or CONVICT, as they remind me daily, I may be a bit sensitive to the subject matter. I can remember when I purchased my red car, the moment I drove it off the lot, I immediately became aware consciously that I identified with every red car driver on the road and was able to point out every red car.  So I know that my present status clearly dictates my social conscious awareness, still my mindful intuition is saying “WARNING!” yes, this is a warning not to increase or encourage fear, I am so over that narrative!.  I just want those tethered to me and those reading to remain consciously aware without having to become closely identified with the Department of Justice, the Federal Criminal justice System and the Prison Industrial Complex.  I am truly bearing witness for you all!  Not on purpose though, lol! If you are involved with any Organization or business that involves Federal dollars or Federal oversight, just please (CYA-cover your ass).  Because similar to the Military Industrial Complex (MIC) narrative, the Department of Justice and the Prison Industrial Complex (PIC) need NEW recruits and it could easily be you!   Don’t be swayed by the discussions in regards to Criminal Justice Reform they are simply Political and will increase as we get closer to the Presidential election, be mindful that here are NO conversations or plans to close Prisons.  Which means as a Nation we have to be bolder with our Criminal justice Reforms to truly change the paradigm.

I am so grateful that I am nearing the end of the incarceration process.  Although, I am not looking forward to the next phase which is the halfway house, I know that I am getting closer to being with my Peeps and this absurd journey is nearing an end.   I am also thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment.

The journey continues……………………………………….felonious phd. 5/2015

My Own Quietly Explosive Here Part 4…………………………………….”We don’t care what she does with the kids!”

Today, it will be five-years that “Ujima Youth Services” has been closed.  I told myself that once I left the Federal Prison Camp, I was going to cease commemorating May 20th, which is the date that my Nevada Medicaid Contract was terminated.  It was also the last official day that I would be able to have foster youth in my programs.  I think it is important for me to end my obsession (just a little one, lol) with how I was closed, my kids, (yes, my kids regardless of what those people say!) were immediately displaced, family and friends were harassed, and my life as I knew it changed forever.  Being able to mindfully and peacefully move onward will allow me to focus my efforts on providing a wonderful, descriptive narrative on how incredible and transformative Ujima was for all involved.  I will never claim that we were perfect, but to its core it was built on the promise of “unconditional love” and  even though it may have been imperfect, I feel its purpose and promise was delivered until its end.

The moment I heard these words as I sat in a conference call hearing with Nevada Medicaid and Attorney General personnel, “We don’t care what she does with the kids” I felt the air slowly seethe out of my soul.  That was the beginning of my depressive self and the end of my dream of a community that provided unconditional love to all that was tethered to me.  I had an incredible time as I embarked on my journey with Ujima Youth Services.  It was much more than I had dreamed.  I will be very conscience in my efforts to not romanticize my experience, because it was extremely challenging operating within the constructs of the Child Welfare System, that is governed by the limiting policies and procedural bureaucracy of the Department of Health and Human Services.  More importantly being forced to adhere to Medicaid fiscal policies and procedures to manage youth in long term foster care by utilizing a Medical Model Modality was a very unnatural way of parenting young souls in foster care.   Being a Medicaid Provider and not a State level contractor made it very difficult to provide the youth in foster care with the opportunity to live in an environment that enhanced their well-being and encouraged personal development so that they (too) could grow into productive and purposeful adults.  Those entities forced us, Providers, families and youth in care, to endure convoluted and on-going obscure policy changes that quite frankly were not conducive to those it was established to serve.  But that is another conversation for another time (lol).

I continue to have contact with many of my older kids, well they are adults now.  I will always be their mother figure and for that I am grateful.   My heart just continues to go out to those youth that were cast away and sent to places that closely resemble the prison setting I am currently trapped within.   For those youth, I will forever feel anger and pain.   There were alternative that could have been exercised by the Federal Criminal Justice System, the Attorney General Office, Nevada Medicaid, Social Services and Health and Human Services, but none were considered.  I just think of that Government representatives statement, “We don’t care what she does with the kids!” and sitting here it is so very apparent to me that Government level Social Systems don’t really care or have the capacity to care about those they are intended to serve.  I completely understand why youth in care, young citizens and many adult citizens don’t care either!  The reality is that to make lasting changes and build a loving community someone has to care, or the cycle continues!

As I embark on the next phase of this journey as a felonious soul (a systemically given life sentence of disenfranchisement) I will remain tethered to those many kids I have worked with and remind myself of how they too were confronted with a life time of disenfranchisement because of their label as FOSTER CHILD (an untethered soul in a community that is forced to rely on and trust in a community of human souls for love, support and guidance) and I will remember how I always encouraged, begged and often demanded that they be the very best they can be despite their circumstances in life.  I miss my Ujima life.  But I am excited to actively participate in achieving my new AMERICAN DREAM (whew!!).

I am completely thankful that I can continue to DREAM and that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given time.   I am also grateful for all of the young people who allowed me to be a part of their lives.

The journey continues………………………………………………felonious phd. 5/2015

The Absurdity of My Life, Part 5……………….The MisAdventure of the UNI-BOOB!

Today, as I stood in one of the many (welfare-like) lines at the Federal Prison Camp in Victorville California, a woman was discussing with another woman who has a work detail in the commissary (the over priced place we purchase items), how they need to ask for women tank tops instead of always forcing us (women) to purchase the male tank tops. She quickly turned to the other woman and told her that she and the other women, who have details in that space, did ask the CO (correctional officer) in charge about purchasing feminine style tees and they were told that there is no way that would happen.  He boldly informed them that we (women) in our feminine clothing, would be too tempting to the male CO’s.  Once again the subjugation, paternalization, and imprisonment of the female body becomes a major issue for me in this Prison Industrial Complex environment and I am faced with asking my two favorite questions, “What the hell?! and Is this real life?!”.

There are many instances where this system imposes it’s masculine will on the women, who are legally forced to be incarcerated in this unnatural space.  I plan to continue to discuss in detail how the American Justice System has impacted my womanly, motherly, and female identified soul in the future.  But today, I am faced with an urgent challenge that requires my immediate attention, as I plan to transition from the Prison Camp oppressive environment into society.  After 19 months and a tremendous amount of soul searching, I have decided to wait in the long line at commissary and purchase an OVER-PRICED bra in an attempt to transition my current UNI-BOOB from the oppressive BOP issued sports-like bra, that has incarcerated my womanly parts to the extent that they do not know that they are separate entities (lol).  Seriously, I feel it is imperative that as I plan to re-enter society, my family and my life that I also allow my wonderful breasts (plural) the opportunity to exercise their liberties, prior to leaving this ridiculous space (lol).  I am not kidding the suppression of the BOP sports bras make you feel (boobless) and that in itself should be criminal.  This structurally oppressive Prison Industrial Complex has violated the civil rights of my breasts!!!!    Mind you, this complaint is coming from a woman who in the past has frequently worn sports bras without any complaints or hesitation.  I am saying right here and now that, “WHEN I AM FREE, I WILL NEVER WEAR ANOTHER SPORTS BRA AGAIN!”.  So to all of you who are tethered to me, don’t worry when you see me and my breasts are sitting high, proud, and loud and my cleavage is bold and boisterous.  Don’t be alarmed, just be aware that I have not changed, I am simply liberating my breasts and allowing them to live life freely when this craziness is over.

This week I am planning to just breakdown and purchase a bra! Some may be asking, “Why have I not done that sooner?”  And I would have to say that there is a part of me that absolutely hates giving more to this system than I absolutely have to give and honestly I am just plain stubborn.  Now that my time at the camp is nearing an end, I believe that it is important to transition all of me and that includes purchasing an over-priced bra so that I can bid farewell to my UNI-BOOB!   This has been a long, hard and often absurd journey and I am thankful that it is nearly over.  To anyone who is unfortunately about to enter the Federal Prison Camp setting, I am advising you to purchase a white, sports bra and wear it as you self surrender.  You may be able to keep it depending on the officer and the Camp.

The journey continues……………………………………………felonious phd. 5/2015

Diary of an Imprisoned Soul Part 7…………. The Authentic Manifestation of my Woman Self

Nearly 12 months ago I happened upon old VHS recordings of several black writers, one being James Baldwin, which I watch religiously on a weekly basis. Another one that I completely love watching is the story of a Black writer named, Chester Himes. I had never heard of him before watching the video, but the video explained that he was the author and screenwriter for the well known black film I love called “Cotton Comes to Harlem.” Mr. Himes story resonates with me for several reasons, but mainly because he was a famous Black writer, an intellectual thinker, a soulful being, and he was imprisoned for 8 years in an Ohio prison. There is much about his story that keeps me watching it over and over and over again, but I am particularly taken by how he and many other black writers and artists, wrote and spoke about their struggle with the identity of their black-self in relation to being accepted as credible voices in our American Society. That ongoing battle is so hauntingly synonymous with many writers and artists that I love. I find these voices so very powerful not only as I sit in the Federal Prison Camp but also because of our current social climate. It is as though our present is once again just as our past.  As I crawl through this American Criminal Justice System process without any control over many of my liberties, I am often faced with formulating daily plans and rituals to get me through. I have chosen to participate within this structure as an active spectator, one who really wants to understand its purpose or lack of purpose and develop anecdotal narratives to assist those behind me with transitioning through this oppressive environment whole and sane. The idealist and motivator within me often implores me to speak in an inspiring tone in regards to my experience. The imprisoned soul inside of me, forces me to speak from a real authentic “consciousness of truth” and give voice to how incredibly hard this has been for me as a human, a woman and a mother soul.
To keep my wits about me, I rush to those videos and books and I urgently embrace how they (other artist and imprisoned souls) managed to endure, survive, and excel past their circumstances and existence in our often challenging society. What I have learned is that nothing that I am questioning or enduring is new. Others have survived worse and emerged as incredible writers, leaders, advocates and so on. In knowing that, I have decided I must continue to add to the narratives that have been told about our (human soul’s) experiences, no matter if they are bitter or sweet, so that anyone who may encounter the same or similar struggles that I have during this process, will be able to say as I do, “I am not alone!”. That is going to be my ongoing journey from here on. To tell my story from my perspective as a caring, soulful, loving being who only wants to live life peaceful, without fear and doubt.

Mr. Himes made a very profound statement regarding his life of imprisonment that resonates very deeply with me. He said, “I think it (being imprisoned) has partially convinced me, or I tried to convince myself that it has convinced me, that I could never be hurt as much as I have already been hurt.” Lately I have found myself rewinding that loud VHS over and over again to hear that statement repeated over and over again, (no I am not going crazy, lol) but I want to seek clarity in his statement and clearly understand its lasting effects on his being. Without sounding a bit esoteric, I don’t think that Mr. Himes was simply speaking of being hurt by an individual, speaking of a global pain that stems from not truly feeling connected to, or loved by our Country (United States of America). Mr. Himes like many other American writers and artists, lived and died in another country. Lately, I have paid a lot attention to how any and every level of disenfranchisement can harden or discourage the human soul. After a life of 51 years of striving for the American Dream I completely understand the desire to just want to live in peace, without questioning your worth or sense of belonging. In 1984 Mr. Chester Himes died at HOME in Spain.

Yes, I tend to over think many things, but I completely connect with how many imprisoned souls and artists may feel unwanted and unloved by their own Country. As a Ex-Licensed Clinical Social Worker, ex-Counselor, ex-licensed Foster mom (lol, I write that and laugh to myself, a real inside joke!) and an inspiring writer, I am acutely aware of my internal struggles with wanting to remain an active participant in my liberation as I leave this space. I am acutely aware of how my voice will be subjected to scrutiny and be disregarded by some because I am now a FELON. I have always encompassed a level of self expression that would place me at odds with the status quo. Now, because of my experience as an imprisoned soul, the manifestation of me, has progressed to a level of empowerment and freedom that has allowed me to clearly define my own voice. In addition, I have enhanced my hearing and completely opened my heart which has provided me with the opportunity to grow into the entirety of ME!!!!. I am truly ready for whatever!

I am so grateful and thankful for those old VHS tapes and that the Government is so archaic and still have VHS tvs, lol! I despise this environment and the Criminal Justice System for how it has completely ruined some very good, productive human souls lives, but I am thankful that while I am here there are historical therapeutic, tangible means for me to become a better me. Mr. Himes and many other writers have provided me with a roadmap that allows me to empower myself without doubt and fear. I am not finished yet, but I am over this place!!!!!!! To anyone who is unfortunately about to enter the Federal Criminal Justice System and the Federal Prison Camp environment, I must tell you and your family that it is very, very safe. No one will physically harm you, but you must come prepared emotionally because as you sit in this space of “nothingness” you can become a better or a worse version of yourself, so come prepared to leave GREAT!!!!!
The journey continues……………………………………………………..felonious phd. 5/2015

Diary of an Imprisoned Soul Part 6………..BEYOND RESILIENT: My 19th month of Incarceration.

Today marks my 19th month of being physically incarcerated at the Victorville Women’s Federal Prison Camp. It has been a long, hard, at times absurd journey to say the least and I am not done yet, whew!!! As I continue to progress onward in this process I try to remain cognizant of how each phase of this unplanned journey has impacted me on all levels-socially, emotionally, personally, spiritually, professionally, politically and financially. My goal is to allow my conscious awareness to mindfully guide me through each phase so that I can authentically share my experience.

     I have to admit that it takes a tremendous amount of self resolve to continue to strive for excellence through this madness. The past few weeks I have spent a huge amount of time formulating and planning how I am going to move past being a survivor of this system, so that I will be able to re-enter my community, family and and sons life effectively. I have to continue to remind myself that regardless of what and how this American Justice System treats me, and even though this has been the most difficult experience I have endured emotionally I will continue to be more of my loving, kind and caring self.

As I look towards the future, I am also reminding myself that despite all that I have lost, I have a Doctorate Degree, a lifetime of work experience, a healthy self esteem and a support system. I know that I will be ok despite how unforgiving and often callous our Society can be to those of us who are often forced to be on the fringes. It is also encouraging knowing that I have done this before, I have overcome, excelled and over achieved, despite my circumstances, I know what can be done with hard work dedication and stubbornness (lol). I am also remaining tethered to the fact that at my core, I am a fighter, an aware and conscientious warrior who will soon be released into the battle for my life and I am more than ready.

I want to always provide a realistic and authentic view of how I move through this process. Not for sympathy or anything special, just so I can provide an accurate narrative to voting citizens and Politicians who have a tendency to support and implement policies without critically analyzing the lasting effects they will have on the individual, the community and society as a whole. I want others to understand that our American Criminal justice System has far surpassed just punishing so called wrong doers, it is literally destroying the lives of American citizens, who really want and deserve a real second chance to revitalize, renew and reboot their lives. Our current system places anyone who has interfaced this Criminal Justice process in a position to just “give up”. I know that sounds so extreme but it is the truth, from my position as I sit here within the “belly of the beast” that is only preparing myself and others with less capacity to reinvent themselves, to just get on welfare, social security, food stamps and Obamacare. A lifetime of dependency on a system that leads directly to sorrow, poverty and self-doubt. In the spirit of my grandmother Geraldine, “I rebuke the thought of being a victim of the Prison Industrial Complex and any other systemic oppressive entity”. I will operate being “beyond  resilient” as I approach and enter the next phase of the Federal Criminal Justice process, and openly share with others how I was able to succeed, that is my plan.

I only have a few months left to sit in this visceral, dehumanizing, non-productive environment, and for that I am so very thankful. I am not sure where time has went and I am hoping that I have used it wisely, time will tell. But for now I will continue to plan for my tomorrow and live through this mess today. I am forever thankful that my son is good and doing him without skipping too much of a beat. I am also grateful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any and every point and time. But I am ready to leave here!!! (lol).

The journey continues………………………………………………… felonious phd. 5/2015

My Last Incarcerated Mother’s Day………..A Message From the Camp

I honestly almost forgot that Mother’s Day was this week. Or perhaps I simply put it out of my mind, like I have chosen to do with every holiday in this unnatural space. I have experienced a variety of emotions as I sit here in the Federal Prison Camp, but the most difficult time I have during this period is not being home with my teenaged son and the rest of my family. I remember once upon a time hearing a song called, “A Motherless Child” and I can faintly remember some of the words of anguish that those lyrics contained. But living a life for any period of time as a “Childless Mother” has left such a profound mark on my soul as I sit here simply doing nothing in this space of “nothingness” rendered a danger or a risk to who? I am not sure but still isolated from all that is real and loving to me.

     As a mother, woman, a soulful being, I will never forget how easy it was for a system that has so much leverage and flexibility to not take in account my role as a loving, caring mother, foster mom and was afforded the means to simply discount who, what and how I have operated as a loving, caring, lawful human being my entire life. This Criminal Justice System, our American Criminal Justice System has impacted families in a manner that in my eyes is so Un-American, callous and just plain mean spirited. As we spend this election cycle listening to the politician, political pundants and other lobbyist discuss the ill-effects of mass incarceration and how it has destroyed our Nation, communities and individual lives I want those involved to also understand the devastating impact this process has had on the family systems. I want them to be made aware of how THEY (politicians) are to blame for this mess and how it may just be a political campaign for them, but my life as a black, mother, felon is lived, controlled and fought for on a daily basis, not just when it is time to vote. I want to be authentic in regards to life of an incarcerated mother soul, and I say that as a woman who took her role as. mom, mother, mama, foster mom, mama Sandy very seriously and with real intent to impact those very important lives I was privy to be connected to, it was not a joke to me. I know most peeps will say well, “then you should not do the crime!” to that I say, “when almost everything useful and helpful is needed to impact others lives positively is considered a CRIME by the Government, what are we to do as helpers?”. Then I will add, “talk to me when you become 1 out of the 100 people who will one day be impacted by our American Criminal Justice System!”. At which time I will gladly encourage you to push pass this process and operate beyond being resilient as I have done.

I am fortunate that this is my last incarcerated Mother’s Day. I will be leaving behind many dedicated and loving, non violent, low level, first time offending Mothers, and Grandmothers as I swiftly walk away from this space in a few months. I want to tell all Mothers who are unfortunately involved with this system that you will be ok!. This System will take a lot from you but it can not take away your own “consciousness of truth” and the love you have and give to those you are tethered to regardless of where you are. To get through these periods as I sit in this space I write. I also remind my self that this process will end and when that day comes, I will stubbornly walk out of here more of my loving, caring wonderful self.

I am forever and always thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. I am also very grateful for my wonderful teenaged son and for all of the young people who consider me their “MOM”. I am lucky. So no matter what this process has done to me and those tethered to me, I will continue to operate from a place of love and live life FEARLESSLY!

Happy Mother’s Day!

The journey continues………………………………………………….felonious phd 5/2015

Prison Industrial Complex, Part 3……….What Does Criminal Justice Reform Really Mean

This week as I sat around at the Federal Prison Camp watching the NEWS and listening to the current Politically motivated jargon regarding Criminal Justice Reform from our current Presidential candidates, and other politically influenced individuals, I could not help but ask my favorite questions, “WTH?! and Is this real life?!”. To many of our Politicians, the words Criminal Justice Reform is currently a major talking point for gaining popularity and future votes. Seriously, I know that the average hard-working, voting, American citizen does not really have time to critically analyze or debate the semantics that are pushed on them by Politicians and lobbyists in regards to Criminal Justice Reform. I get that, I know what it all entails when you are busy living life to the fullest, well I faintly remember (lol). Years ago, prior to becoming involved with the Federal Criminal Justice System, I did have a productive, successful, happy and loving way of living. Now as an imprisoned soul sitting in the “belly of he beast” the term Criminal Justice Reform as defined and discussed by our current Political leaders simply translates, to me, as a fancy way of “shifting the blame”. Instead of discussions that focus on making changes to the systemic oppressive structure, the conversations continue to be controlled by fear and motivated by needs of the lobbyist and fiscally motivated corporations who have maintained their American Dream off the backs of the imprisoned souls (citizens). If there are no clear and concise discussions about closing prisons or de-carceration of human beings, then we are not truly participating in real reform efforts, we as a Nation are only saying, “Okay, folks we have oppressed, suppressed and legally enslaved certain segments of our population long enough and now it is someone else’s turn”. As a black, woman and mother who understands this process and all of the social ills it causes for the human soul, the lack of courage to make some real lasting changes is very scary to me. I for one know for sure that we, Americans have a tendency of repeating ourselves and I am afraid that if we do not make courageous efforts to abolish this Criminal justice System as it stands, once again poor, vulnerable folks are going to be having the same exact discussions in the coming years.

     I know that there is a certain level of complacency that occurs when it comes to speaking about real reform efforts and the power that the Prison Industrial Complex encompasses. But when people like myself, who have been rendered silent or not viewed as credible witnesses to the atrocious nature of our Criminal justice process because we have, in the eyes of other fallible human souls, broke the law, do not have the right to participate actively in the discussions regarding change or the democratic process, the conversations are going to be limited and change/reform will simply mean, we will have to fill the prisons and jails with someone else for a while! The honest truth is that we need to abolish our current Criminal Justice process as it stands. We must start over and boldly look at the purpose of incarceration of non violent individuals. It is also imperative that we expose and eliminate the financial gains that many business organizations benefit from locking up citizens. Then we will began to have some critical planning that will entail providing justice for all of our citizens and still keep our communities safe. Just as the current administration felt that it was imperative to revamp the United States Health Care System, the same process needs to occur within our current Criminal Justice System. The implementation of Obamacare proves that WE can make any changes we deem necessary if we are motivated to do so with a sense of urgency, passion and a desire for a long term legacy.

For those of you who are connected to me and are participating in the democratic process, all I am asking from you all is that you be critical of what Politicians are saying on the local and National level. We have to become alert and aware participants if we are any way tethered to being “helpers” in our communities and families.

I am thankful that this part of the process is nearly over for me. I have to honestly admit that I am not fully convinced that there is a real commitment to Criminal justice reform because we are still building prisons and jails and incarcerating non violent people daily. There is only discussions that entail going after other “low hanging fruit” to entrench into this Criminal justice process so that we increase the number of disenfranchised citizens and render them as spectators while others have real access to “The American Dream”. Our criminal code is so extensive that even law makers are getting trapped by the same laws they once voted for without clearly understanding the ramifications of such obscure and limiting policies. Something has got to change and it needs to happen soon.

I am forever grateful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. I remind myself of that daily so that I remember that I was raised by grandparents who worked and lived with pride, love and found joy in America despite everything they had endured. Because of them I will continue to be “Beyond Resilient” as I move forward in my life and provide a model for my family to follow, especially my son.

The journey continues………………………………………………felonious phd 5/2015