Fifteen Days and Counting Down!

The Felonious PhD.

Woke up today feeling and moving a little slow.  With only a few things left on my, see you in 22 to 28 months list, I have decided to just relax and write.  The process of counting down has served several purposes for me.  One purpose is it gives my friends and familiy an insight into my thoughts and feelings as well as a  way for them to process my leaving in their own way.  It has also given me a way to discuss my challenges and feelings once.  I dont have to constantly repeat myself in regards to how i am feeling or what I am doing .  I am also finding that the blog is also informative for me.  Often when i write I do it from my heart, so I am connected to the words from the inside out.  And as I reread what I have written…

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Fifteen Days and Counting Down!

Woke up today feeling and moving a little slow.  With only a few things left on my, see you in 22 to 28 months list, I have decided to just relax and write.  The process of counting down has served several purposes for me.  One purpose is it gives my friends and familiy an insight into my thoughts and feelings as well as a  way for them to process my leaving in their own way.  It has also given me a way to discuss my challenges and feelings once.  I dont have to constantly repeat myself in regards to how i am feeling or what I am doing .  I am also finding that the blog is also informative for me.  Often when i write I do it from my heart, so I am connected to the words from the inside out.  And as I reread what I have written later in the day,  I hear and see the words that i have written from a spectator perspective.  So blogging has been a wonderful experience.

I am glad to have a space where I can share all of me throughout this experience.  I will continue this process once i am incarcerated, released to a halfway house, and finally free.  So please follow me til this journey and chapter is complete.  I plan to transcend this crazy, crazy process and continue to be happy, loving, caring and peaceful!   

So stay tuned, and have a wonderful and loving day!

Sixteen Days and Counting Down!

September 28, 2013-  Sixteen days and counting down.  I spent the day hanging with my kids, nieces, nephews and grandkids.  My son brought over my grand babies to hang out with me.  I know I may sound redundant a lot of times but I really am thankful.  I have such an incredible family and group of friends.  As each day and night tick away I start thinking about how my life will look them and how theirs will look without me, for 22 to 28 months.  I know I will have phone calls and letters, so it will not be a total disconnect, but I will not be physically present in their lives.  It really is a strange concept when i think hard about  it.  And those who now me, understand that I am a thinker,  i love to visualize the future.  I find myself thinking things like…. I wonder if this person will finish college?  I hope that person goes to college.  I hope this person does what makes her happy.  It will great if that person met someone nice.  Just little thoughts of discussions I have had for years with people regarding their love lives, careers and future.  It will be great see what happens.

When the sun went down, we ended a wonderful day with the kids playing hide and go seek.  It was a quiet and fun day.  The one thing I do know for sure is that my family and friends will all take care of each other like they have been there for me the past three years.

 

 

For that I am very Thankful!

Seventeen Days and Counting Down!

A little over two-weeks left before I transition into my new setting and experience at the camp.  Many of my family and friends are planning an early holiday dinner potluck on October 5th.  It will give everyone an opportunity  say to, “see you later”.  I am not one who likes to say goodbye.  I think I got that from my grandmother she would never say goodbye!  She would just give a little wave and say, “see you later”.

As I get closer to the October dinner,  I have been receiving calls and texts from my loved ones, and friends expressing how difficult it is to believe this is actually happening.   To help many of them process this experience I try to remind them that nothing lasts forever and it will end.  That is certain!  Also let them know that one thing I have learned in my lifetime is that life will go on.

My home has always hosted the family holiday dinners so it is challenging leaving so close to the holidays.  I loved every minute of it.  Then menu always included, homemade macaroni and cheese, corn casserole, green bean casserole, candied yams and of course turkey and ham.  My nephew would also do a deep-fried turkey and enjoy flaunting it around to everyone before it was eaten and demolished in seconds. Everyone else would bring a dish and desserts and drinks.  I am a pro at it.  I loved having all of the kids running around playing, crying and laughing.  It is sort of like the Soul Food movie, but my family is like the rainbow,  We have every flavor.

So October 5th will be wonderful in one way and a little sad in another way.  Traditions will be put on pause, adjusted and modified for me and everyone else will create new memories and ways of being.  That is what I love about the human spirit.  We truly have the capacity to push through anything if we allow ourselves to do it.  So I am sure we will all be fine, still laugh, eat and enjoy the company of others no matter where we are.  There is nothing wrong with change.  It also gives someone else an opportunity to be the center of such a wonderful, incredible, dedicated and loving crew.  I am Thankful for my Peeps!

Eighteen Days and Counting Down!

Today, I am travelling to my son’s football game.  This morning as I watched and listened to him go through his daily routine, I was once again faced with how much I am going to miss him.  Also feeling like this is going to be more emotional for  me than it will be for him.  I don’t like missing out on anything in his world.  I feel like I have sacrificed for so many other kids in my career and now I am putting him in the position to sacrifice, adjust, and adapt.  Seems unfair but it is my reality.  Fortunately he has a very loving, caring support system and it will be more about what I will miss.   I will miss him asking me to help with combing and brushing his hair.  I enjoy those moments even though he is now 14 years old and almost six-feet tall – I have to stand on a step stool to reach him.  I will miss him singing loudly – very, very loudly in the shower at 6 in the morning.  I will miss his silly stories that he tells in a loud voice to make sure everyone hears him.  I try not to focus on how much I will miss over the next 2 plus years, but instead be thankful that my constant presence in his life and active parenting has given him a very stable foundation.  He knows what is expected of him and now I am seeing that his dreams and goals are becoming more about what he wants for his life and less about, not making me angry.

For that I am Thankful!

Nineteen Days and Counting Down!

Okay, now shit is getting real! Whew!, down to the teens in the countdown numbers til the day I have to self surrender.  I decided to take a nice hot bath in my sisters cozy tub.  Trying to do that as much as possible since for the next 22 to 28 months I will be limited to showers.  Lately, I have been having a little anxiety about what I can bring with me.  The camp manual that is posted online was very informative.  But when I googled information I was getting different information.  So I decided to phone the facility this morning.  A young woman answered the phone, I explained to her that I was due to self-surrender and had a few questions.  She was very nice and explained to me that outside of a few things listed on the camp guidelines on the website.  I could only bring my Identification and the clothes on my back.  I asked about money and how I could place cash in my account so I did not have to wait a week or so.  She stated that I could western union cash to myself prior to self surrendering.  Now I know!

I have had many experiences in my life and they have all helped form the woman I am today.  So I don’t expect this part of my journey to be any different.   More to come…..

Twenty Days and Counting Down!

I swear it feels like time is speeding up.  I know that it is my imagination and my mind playing tricks on me.  I spent today writing down what I need my peeps to do for me while I am gone.  This is tough for me because I do not like to bother people or ask them to do anything for me.  This has not only been a very heart-wrentching experience, it has also been a very humbling one.  I also spent some time reading and listening to the issues regarding Mass Incarceration and the over population of the legal and prison system because of mandatory sentencing and unfair Drug laws. The next issue will be the over incarceration of non-violent, loving, caring, dedicated, Social Workers and Counselors.  Just Sayin, Stay Tuned!    

Twenty-One days and Counting!

I woke up today and prepared myself to continue to check off my things to do list before I leave.  I always save going to the storage unit as one of my last tasks or make it one of the first tasks of the week.  I told myself this month that I was only going to deal with disconnecting, packing and preparing physically on the weekdays.  Weekends are for hanging with my son, family and friends.  And time to just sit in a peaceful space.  So the storage unit issue is one that has plagued me for the past three years.  See we had well over 6 group homes, 13 independent living condos, office and once we closed down we had to sell everything and what we did not sell we had to put in two large storage units.  I was so excited when we emptied the last unit a year or so ago.  So now when I return to my own personal unit and see my belonging stack, shoved and placed in a box it usually gets very emotional for me.  But today I had a different reaction.  I remember telling my oldest son when he helped  place the last of my things in the storage, shut the door and placed a lock on it, that I should just sell the whole damn storage unit and start over. lol  Of course, he did not agree with that idea and I get it.  Who wants to replace all of that stuff.  That is the thing though, these days I feel light!!  Yes there are times I miss my things but I have never been connected to stuff.  I feel like I did when I was in college and had to figure out what was next, where will I live and how will it look?  The only good thing is instead of starting over I will be starting in the middle.  I will be ready for next.  So my trip to the storage unit today was a productive one and not sad.  I am thankful for that!

Twenty-Two day and Counting Down!!

September 22, 2013  To prepare for my stay at the Victorville Camp, in November my 14 year old son and I moved out of our home and in with my baby sister.   I wanted to make sure he was stable and knew that he has the support of his aunties and his family.  Sitting here today I have to say that was the best move I could have made.  Not just for him, but for myself also.  Now as I prepare daily emotionally, spiritually and physically to leave, having the support of my sister has been incredible.  We have come completely full circle.  I raised my baby sister, took care of her when she was younger and now she has returned the favor.  Love it!  Okay there are things i still continue to do, such as cook.  I love to cook for several reasons, one because as I cook we are always engaged in talking and laughing.  Laughing is our main way of coping.  Yes, we love to cook and talk and laugh and eat.  

Preparing to leave in a few weeks, one of the things that has been on my mind is , what in the hell am I going to eat in there?  So, yesterday I woke up wanting some fried fish.  We ended up having a wonderful and delicious fish-fry.  I can cook some damn fish!  And oh, like my grandmother I love it when the kids eat it all up.  Currently we have a total of 9 young people in the house.  One an infant so her meals are from her mama. But the rest are thankful and ready for what is next.  Puts the biggest smile on my face.  So today I am preparing a pasta dish with some baked chicken.  

Right now there are several things in my life that are foreign to me and my way of being.  But I sure feel, grounded, connected, loved and nutured.  It makes me think about the importance of connection and having a sense of belonging.  I know that with my sisters no matter where I  am or the circumstances, i will always have a place to call home.  I love my four sisters, Mooneyes, Latonya, Beatrice and Carita.  Thanks lady for always being my VILLAGE!  I love you all.  

Twenty-Three days and Counting Down!!!

I have been a  Foster Mom, Mentor, Friend and Counselor to well over 200 hundred kids in Child Welfare throughout my career.  The three year investigation and indictment took a major toll on my passion to work in and advocate for the Child Welfare System and Behavioral Health Profession.  Last night I recieved an inbox facebook message similiar to many I have gotten over the past three years, that reminded me once again that my love, dedication and commitment to love and serve others unconditionally will not go unnoticed.  Last night that message reassured me that my purpose over the past 27 years was well served and always will be.  Many  of the messages and comments of support that i have recieved from others has to do with their disbelief in the fact that I have been labelled a “felon”, and the impact that will have on my future.  Specifically my future in the field of Counseling and Child Welfare, where I have dedicated my whole lifes work.   I have to admit that most of their worries are warranted.  Because of the strict laws and background checks, my new label is a severe barrier.  

So, all i can say to all, is that I will find another career path.  One that I am just as passionate about.  One that will allow me to love and give hope to others unconditionally.  One that will provide a space for me to laugh abundantly.  I want to say thanks to O.J. for your message last night.