Diary of an imprisoned soul Part 12…………..My free Thanksgiving.
I don’t think the word ‘happy’ fully captures my current way of being. Being able to return home after two years and be welcomed by my friends and family was a moment I can not quite put into words. It felt like a dream. Like the many dreams I would have as I laid on the bottom bunk wishing I was home. Once again I have to say I am thankful. So many things in my life are uncertain and just plain complicated by this process but being loved and loving my friends and family makes it all okay. At Least for the moment.
Now as I sit in the halfway house back amongst the mice and roaches, lol. I could feel a piece of me becoming lonely and wishing this will hurry up and end. Nothing like wishing your time on earth away. Losing your freedom is truly a mind game and if you want to leave this space healthy in all areas of your life you have to force yourself to remain present. My visit was incredible I was reminded by my peeps that I love people. I love the conversations, the laughter, the joy and I love hearing their stories, the good ones as well as the not so good ones. I love my life which causes me to laugh a lot because of my current status but it is the truth.
I was also fortunate enough to spend some time with my son who did not skip a beat with his daily routine of playing call of duty. Life truly goes on that is a real good lesson for me. More importantly he is doing well and that has always been my number one concern.
Now I will prepare for Christmas and once again I will ask for a furlough to go home. This process of being in the middle of middle is very hard but I am grateful that I am able to re enter my life at any capacity considering how crazy this system tends to operate.
Seeing many of my foster boys who are all grown up with beards, families, careers and their own trials and tribulations was life changing. I know now that it does not matter what the judge, prosecutor or IRS agents believed, the fact is I love my kids and they know it.
The next phase of my journey is going to be very challenging and emotional. I fully feel like a blank slate and have so many ideas but no firm foundation. I mean I currently don’t even have a home lol. But knowing that no matter what I have support and Aaron is happy, I will fearlessly overcome any barriers that come my way. As always I am glad I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good. Peace
The journey continues……………….feloniousphd 11/2015
Two Months today…………Halfway House Journey continues!
Today marks my second month of being halfway free! No matter how much I complain about the Federal Criminal Justice process I want it to be known that I am intensely thankful to be on this end of the process. My journey in the ‘Halfway Home’ phase has its own challenges and I am readily managing those head on daily as I sit in what I call a ‘gray area. I have labeled it the gray area, because I am still limited in my ability to fully reintegrate into my life because Reno Nevada does not have a half way house. But at the same time as I sit in the Halfway house in San Francisco I have been fortunate enough to meet and converse with several individuals who have spent their entire lives enduring this process. Their stories and their humble spirits remind me just that I must be thankful because it could have been much worse. Not because I deserved worse but just because I am involved in a system that does not see individuals or mothers or loving caring beings, it is built to make sure it has complete justification for rendering other being as insignificant and has the power to do as it pleases without much accountability. So yes I am thankful for my sentence and I am thankful that my heart is still pure, my spirit is bright and my soul is dancing.
I was truly concerned about having residual effects from being incarcerated and stripped of my freedom, but honesty after being in crazy San Francisco in the heart of the “TL” outside of thinking about some of my friends at the camp, I feel nothing about that place or how trapped I felt at times. So I am thankful I only did two years as opposed to 5 or 10 or more like many of the women I have met. And I am thankful that as my grandmother taught me that ‘I never let evil rule my heart’.
Having daily ongoing contact with my family and friends have help tremendously. Being able to speak to and Face time my son has been a life saver. There is not much that the halfway house can offer me I feel in regards to programming or anything else so honestly I am just being housed. But I would not trade this opportunity to be halfway free for anything. Many women in the camps are concerned about being safe in the halfway house because you are housed with majority men. Well I want to reassure anyone who is coming to the San Francisco halfway house that the men are fine. I have never felt unsafe inside of the halfway house. The young ones as well as the older ones are very respectful and actually they are very good story tellers there are lots of wanna be rappers but for the most part everyone is fine lol.
This part of my journey is not ideal but it is moving fast and I am almost done. Once again I am grateful I as born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Whew! Because I have seen some crazy things these last two months in the streets of San Francisco. Lol. I am also grateful that this phase of my journey is nearly over. Life is good. I AM just ready to go home!
The journey continues……………….feloniousphd 11/2015
THE TRAJECTORY OF OUR LIVES. For my son.
The TRAJECTORY
no precipitating or anticipatory means or intellectual answers to measure or plan for the results or outcomes from……whatever the event that occurred or did not occur. What is experienced on a level almost beyond comprehension is the trajectory the course the path that was unforeseen. Still we are alive to continue to wonder
where will we end up
The trajectory
For my son
My journey is my own to endure, you my son was collateral damage from this process and for that I am sorry. However, at the same time I will accept no excuses for you not being 100 percent you. Your path is your own.
Lovingly mom. 11/2015
The Felonious PhD. 