The Felonious PhD.

White Collar Female PhD. Felon, Prison Camp, Re-Entry, Criminal Justice Reform. Women, Lesbian

Precious Loving Angered Me

precious loving angered me

permeating through

the blood stream
giving life
hope
keeping tethered
to all
sacred possibilities
owning
dignity
unreliquished
with fire
a reminder
remembering
my powerful
perfect
passionate
strength
providing
a path from
beneath
never bitter
always
sweet
precious loving angered me!

felonious phd 3/2015

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Gray Skies

GRAY SKIES
Gray Skies
will never cloud my eyes
The rainbow will always
shine through
forgotten dreams
not chance
not deferred
limited possibilities
locked in the
soul of
you

Holding strong
to pain
giving it
a life
means
to control
influence
allowing
it to
flow
through

Believing the hype
trusting the
masses
even when
you know the
absolute
truth
Gray Skies
will never cloud my eyes
the rainbow will always
shine though

Never quitting
forever fighting
always willing
pursuing
all
possibilities
with
passion and
a relentless fervor
Take a path
to the reachable
teachable
conscientious
truth

Gray skies
will never cloud my eyes
the rainbow will always
shine through
sitting idle
actively
waiting
strategically
planning
over-achieving
over-reaching
resiliently
resilient
is the only
key

Grey skies
will NEVER cloud my eyes
the rainbow will
ALWAYS
shine through
not allowing
passively
powerlessly
granting
permission
to
no one
to define
the infinite
possibilities
for
YOU!

the felonious phd 3/2015

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HAVE NO FEAR!………….A Message of Solace from the Camp

As I enter my 17th month of incarceration at the Federal Prison Camp, there are a few things that I have just become accustomed to for the sake of my maintaining peace of mind for my soulful self. Then there are instances where I am caught off guard and my soul is touched at its CORE.

I have become accustomed to wearing the ugly, green, men’s uniform that is accessorized with the heavy, steel-toed high top boots. I am even accustomed to the oppressive, used green sports bra. I have become accustomed to the fact that this environment has incompetent, irreverent, depressed and often mean-spirited staff that work here. And out of pure survival I have even become accustomed to walking daily, round and round and round in circles on a rocky track. So boring!.

However, I have not become accustomed to how our United States Government Criminal Justice System continues to incarcerate, non-violent, low level offending, frail, elderly women. I know we as a Nation thrive on punishing those who have “done wrong” in the eyes of law. I am also aware of the fact that we have to maintain some level of order as a civilized society. I completely understand all of those concepts, believes and constructs. But what happens when a system is so extremely “FLAWED” and we as a Nation simply continue to ride the “SLIPPERY SLOPE” of mass incarceration without any hesitation or critical analysis into the inhumanness or the ineffectiveness of the process? How can we not act with a sense of urgency when it is apparent that our Criminal Justice system is broken? That sense of complacency is something I can never become accustom to as long as I live.

Today, as I sat in the library, reading and writing about how there are some signs of change on the horizon and how critical and urgent those changes are needed, we get an announcement over the loud speaker that says, “Golf South Mentor come to R&D”. That announcement is a request for one of the women who is a volunteer mentor for new arrivals to come the the R& D office and meet the new arrivals. It also alerts every other woman on the camp that new people are here. Typically, the mentors will take the new arrivals on a tour of the camp before showing them to their bunk area. When the mentor and the new woman arrived to the library, as they walked in I noticed that the Latina woman was “ELDERLY” and that she was trembling like a tree. As the mentor spoke to her and tried to console her she sat down at the table in the middle of the library, put her head down and whispered as her lips trembled, “I AM SO AFRAID!”. O M G! my heart stopped, for a few seconds I was at a complete loss for words. I looked over to the mentor and the other woman that was in the library and they were both standing there with their mouths open and speechless. My immediate reaction was to go give her a hug, but I could sense the complete “FEAR” in her at that moment. I gathered myself and told her softly, “You are very safe here, I promise no one is going to hurt you!”. I asked her if she was thirsty and she nodded yes, I went into the desk drawer and handed her a generic diet soda. I reassured her that the hard part was over. Being here is the easiest part of the Federal Criminal Justice process. Whew!! That was all I could do to not scream or burst out in tears. I am sure that would have scared her to death! After a few minutes she opened the soda took a sip and the other two women began consoling her and talking. I took the opportunity to gather my thing to walk back to the unit. Walking my usual path back to the unit I was trying desperately to find a way to switch emotional gears from pure anger to “March Madness” (lol).

Those are the moments that bring my anger to the surface. Because my own consciousness of truth is that I am forever angered by this process, but these types of days force me to be present in my anger. There is absolutely no way anyone will ever be able to convince me that as United States of America we do not have any other option other than to incarcerate, non violent, low level, women, elderly offenders or anyone who is not a safety risk. I just do not get it! or maybe I get it too well! I have forced myself to succumb and surrender to many things as I progress through my journey. But I will never ever accept how easily it is for our Government officials (fellow citizens), to skillfully and willfully destroy another persons soul with passion and fervor in the name of justice, corrections and rehabilitation. I will also never forget how easily we (Americans) allow these things to happen.

If you are a woman, sister, grandmother, aunt or mother who finds herself pending incarceration at a Federal Prison Camp, I want you to know that “YOU WILL BE SAFE”. Don’t get caught up in shows like “Lock Up” that are televised to brainwash US citizens into thinking we need prisons. Or believe everything about “Orange is the New Black” which is entertainment first and is very creative. The women here at the camp are people you know. “We are all people you know!” So trust me when I say you have nothing to fear in here.

I am so thankful that my time here at the Federal Prison Camp is almost over. It is a challenge everyday to wake up and renew my passion for being a loving, caring, soulful Black American Woman Mother. I am also thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any and every given moment!

The Journey continues…………………………felonious phd-3/201

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Getting to the CORE (5)…………………..A note from my Mother-Self!

As I slowly transition into the latter phase of this Federal Criminal Justice process and being incarcerated, I challenge myself to remain positive, mindful, connected, peaceful, honest and productive so that I will leave this unnatural and inhumane environment the best ME possible. I also continue to remain aware of the fact that I have to encourage my 15 year old son, who is without his mom, to do the very same thing. I will never lose sight of the fact that his life was also impacted over the past 5 years. Even though this has been my personal journey, he has been forced to participate in a parallel journey of his own and I will remain mindful of that fact.

As I assist him by email and 15 minute interval phone calls, with maneuvering and strategizing himself through high school, teenage angst and other developmental milestones, I can hear a level of growth in him that brings a smile to my heart. At the same time I feel the big-little young man that just needs a hug and kiss goodnight. I get it! I know he misses me and I miss him. I am also acutely aware of the fact that I, as his mother have the pleasure of making his life a little easier, to help him to navigate through to young adulthood and on to adulthood. I plan to continue to do that with pride and a new level of parental awareness. What I have learned about being his mom, through this process, is that he can and always does find a way to do the things he is supposed to do. He also embodies the ability to overcome, and is just as resilient and capable as I am.

When I return home I will continue to remind my son that we are not VICTIMS, we are not what happens to us and even when we don’t have a certain amount of control over what happens to us, we can damn sure control how we react and act to what happens to us. I have never been comfortable in the victim role. No matter how disappointed I am in our American Criminal Justice System I will continue to push myself and my son to be our very best always!!!!!!!!!! I have to diligently instill in him that we are the catalyst for change so that HE will NOT become a part of this system that I so despise.

I am thankful for my Sonny! I am so lucky to have raised such a loving, caring young man. I am also thankful for his older brother for stepping in and making sure he continues on the right path till I return home. I can not wait to be home and be his mom!!!

I love you Sonny!

The journey continues………….Felonious Ph.D. 3/2015

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an unplanned journey

trusting a process

moving in the moment

no hustle

no bustle

just sitting

in my still

skillfully sitting

and it is surreal!

peaceful and peacefully

moving towards nothing

nothing in particular

particularly embracing

my nothingness

and it is surreal!

sleeping and waking

waking and sleeping

opening of eyes

closing of eyes

in between

silence

silently laying

laying in the wonders

of silence

and it is surreal!

no calendar

no phone

no alarm

or home

home in myself

selfishly finding

home

in the core

being simple

simply being

in my being

embracing

my space

of me

and it is surreal!

unscheduled

no plan

road unseen

in my wildest

dreams

no roadmap

no premonition

no time

to resist

absolute

surrender

this journey

was completely

unplanned!

forever grateful!

felonious ph.d 3/2015

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An Unplanned Journey, continued………..My Last Imprisoned MARCH MADNESS!!!

It’s MARCH!!! Not only is it a new month, which is always a major milestone for an Imprisoned Soul, ┬ábut also each day that passes pushes you closer to your being “physically free.” After being incarcerated I am very clear on the various levels of “freedom” and I am equally aware of how I am empowered and encouraged on all levels. Along with my being closer to being home, as a feverish hoop junkie, March signifies the beginning of the most important sports event ever………MARCH MADNESS!!! This is my last imprisoned March Madness and although I can not wait till next year to celebrate with all of those I love as we sit in the Peppermill Casino in Reno Nevada, I want to tell everyone that I am planning to enjoy this one also.

 

As I endured this Federal Criminal justice process and fought my way through depression, sadness and deep dark places, I also lost my love for basketball. This year signifies my absolute return to ME! I have always been an athlete and more importantly a “hoop junkie” so to once again feel the joy from the noisy sneakers and the love of the incorrect/correct whistles from the refs, to the ongoing bouncing of that wonderful hope-filled basketball and the 40 minutes of intense action whew!. Oh yes! I love the game like no other and it has saved my life time and time again.

 

As I sit in the TV room in the unit at the Federal Prison Camp I am planning to enjoy every minute. I continue to miss being home and loving on my son and as the months gets closer and closer to my returning home I am beginning to feel more and more empowered to not just put this part of my journey behind me but to completely merge with it and help me Soar. Time has definitely passed on and I truly do not remember much about last March Madness, so thank goodness I am a writer and have a written record of the past 5 years. I like to think my lack of memory has to do with my extreme means of coping, but at the wonderful age of 50 it may just be a way of life. Which makes it even more important that I continue to write about this process not just for others but for my own fading memory, lol.

 

I am thankful for the women in the unit who are also hoop junkies or understanding of the process and make it easy for me to view the games. I am also thankful that this is my last imprisoned March Madness. I am so over this ridiculous process and ready to return to a life that will allow me to be my loving, productive, positive, happy, fun, authentic, beautiful self. All I can say is look out next year. March Madness 2016!!!!!!!! It is on!!!!!!!

 

The journey continues…………………….. 3/2015

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