The real work has already been done………I love being home.

There are no words to express how phenomenal and peaceful I feel at this moment. Being out of the Federal prison camp and now being out of the halfway house, I truly feel as though I have my wings back. Not just wings to fly but the ability to clearly understand and connect to all that has happened to me. I am not sure if I will ever be able to accept that the Criminal Justice system was just in incarcerating me and separating me from my son, but that is my own internal battle and I will work through it, not from a bitter place but a loving one. My re-entry has been peaceful and loving. Next week I will get to writing and organizing my thoughts and notes. I am so thankful for all of the Artists and Writers that has paved the way for me to have a voice. There is nothing like grabbing a book and reading something that touches your soul and reminds you that you are not alone and this too shall pass, so be prepared. I LOVE THE WRITTEN AND SPOKEN WORD. Truly life saving. Peace.

The journey continues……………..the feloniousphd. 2/2016

 

 

From the 👁Y👁s of the butterfly!

From the 👁 Y 👁 s of a Butterfly.
Life is spectacular
A miraculous and mysterious scene
Full of ebb and flows
Flows and ebbs
A transformative process
That can not
should not be
Rushed or impatiently lived
But graciously embraced

From the 👁 Y 👁 s of a Butterfly
The experience of growth and change is often painful and weary
Pain that last for a simple moment
Imprisoned within a chrysalis that forces external change for better or worse but unable to transform your internal worth so your souls stays free
You patiently wait for what is to come next A beautiful visual colorful spectacle to see.

From the 👁 Y 👁 s of a Butterfly.
Once the process or metamorphous towards your true being, your authentic you is accomplished it is astonishing, phenomenal
A grand, transition that is remarkable, fantastical
and often surreal.

From the 👁 Y 👁 s of a Butterfly.
Life truly is a incredible, a consciously creative and mindfully magnificent event that will lead you to your wonderful, beautiful, transformed, free self. At the same time reminding you that it is not about the destination. It is completely about the content of the journey.

From the 👁 Y 👁 s of a Butterfly.

The felonious PhD. 2/2016
Peace.

The Power of Voice……thanks to those who paved the way for me to speak boldly!

Today as an African American, sovereign, incarcerated and soulful being, who is consciously connected, creatively inspired, and an intelligent woman, I just want to say, I understand, at least a little bit, how much internal work it is and was for many of the incredible Women Writers and Artistic souls, to keep their voices strong and their hearts pure. I am grasping, a little bit, of how challenging the world is from the eyes of an artist and an awoken soul. I have always viewed life from the glasses of my grandmothers, so I have always been connected to my own power and strength but my journey to and through the Criminal Justice Process, has as one of my favorite writers Zora Neale Hurston said, “made me sharpen my Oyster knife”. I can not complain, but I will continue to tell my own truth about how incredibly demeaning and absurd this process has been for me. As I sit and powerlessly wait to be physically free. My freedom to speak has saved my life. Thanks to all the women who have paved the way for me to have and use my VOICE. PEACE.

The journey continues………the felonious PhD. 2/2016

Radical Acceptance

Along with utilizing the “Art of Resilience” I have found that by embracing “Radical Acceptance” I have moved through the dysfunctional and destructive Federal Criminal Justice system without completely losing my mind. Yes I am only claiming to be halfway crazy. This morning I was told that my counselor was now on administrative leave and possibly fired. My only question is and has been for months is…..when in the hell do I go home?   This process has been so Fraudulent and Criminal at the same time. It has proclaimed to one purpose and always failed far short from its purpose.  I know the end is near and that keeps me balanced.  But being forced to operate in a systemically oppressive structure that is constantly inconsistent and chaotic is very disturbing to me. It is no wonder our Country has a high recidivism rate.  Our re-entry process lacks purpose.

The felonious PhD in me will keep on moving on.  And soon I will be home to use my skills to assist my teenage son lol.  Life is good no matter what.

The journey continues……felonious PhD. 2/2016

I have no FEAR!

I have no fear
Not afraid of the dark
Or the chance that I
May be harmed, raped, talked about
Or even killed.
I have no fear,

I have no fear
Not afraid of failure
Or disappointing others
as I follow my own dreams, desires and plans.
I have no fear.

I have no fear
Not afraid of shame, vulnerability
Or to show my tears
When I am in pain
I have no fear

I have no fear
Not afraid of love, to honor
internal peace, to live my passionate way and I am
prepared to shutout anyone
who tries to limit my stay
I have no fear.

I have no fear
Not afraid to live my life
Free, freely, fearlessly no
Matter what the scare mongers say.

I have no fear
Not afraid to enter my life
Forge a new path and
Began a new day
I have no fear.

I have no fear
Not afraid of shit
Or to say what I want to say
Silence equals death
And in the end we all are going to die anyway.

I have no fear……….this time doing my life my way!

The feloniousphd-2/2015

ON MY WAY HOME SOON!…………….I can not believe the time has finally come.

The past week I have been waking up at 3 am on the dot. At first I attributed it to my new, 28 year old, loud snoring roommate, that sleeps below me in the bottom bunk, as I have been forced to sleep on the top bunk, because she has a bullet in her back. A story for a later date lol. But now as I am laying here typing this blog entry, I have realized that this is the exact same pattern I had prior to my incarceration. Only then my angst was in regards to entering a prison camp and wondering about all of the unknown intricacies of that environment. Today I think my anxiety has to do with returning home to a life that is different than the one I had prior to my in investigation, indictment and incarceration.  

I will be returning home in a few weeks. I have already fielded such questions as “what are you going to do?! What business are you going to open?! And honestly I have no answers to any of those questions. The only thing I know for sure is that I will be free. My only clear plan is to engage my son as much as a 16 year old will allow me to do so and assist him with achieving his goals for the future. This has been a long journey and I was trying to remember, well I was attempting to consciously connect with a period in my life when this was not a part of my life. I want to remember how that felt. I need to know how that felt so that I can maintain a peaceful balance in my soul. I will be leaving the Tenderloin soon and I am so ready for that. I hope to one day be able to extrapolate many of the lessons and stories I have learned in a palatable manner. I say that because truly the tragedy and the absurdity of our Criminal Justice System needs to be told and not just from a perspective of fear. But from a perspective of awareness and clarity and purpose. And I want to be able to visually tell this story from a human perspective not a legal one. This chapter in my life has seen a bit cloudy, heavy and dark at times and at the same time I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and those tethered to me. 

Once again I am so thankful I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. For once in my life it was not just my strength and stubbornness that got me through it was my ability to utilize the Art of Resiliency. Peace. 

The journey continues……………….Felonious PhD 1/2016

Ready to get to NEXT………..Re-Entry and Recidivism!

I have spent the past 5 years discussing my frustrations and disheartenment with our US Criminal Justice System and its long arduous, life changing process. As I began my transition out of the incarceration portion of this process, I have consciously decided that I want to focus more on how I will now reach for and achieve my dreams and aspirations despite how detrimental this process has been on me and all that are tethered to me.

As I plan to re-enter my life within the next month from the halfway house in the Tenderloin, I will honestly admit that I have gained a tremendous amount of insight into the issues of recidivism, re entry and trauma. This experience will forever be imprinted on my soul.

I am currently waiting to enter the home confinement phase of this process for the last month of my incarceration. I was eligible for home confinement in November, but because Reno, Nevada does not have a Re entry transitional living center, I could not participate fully in the transitional process as defined and structured by the Bureau of Prisons. My current target date for home confinement from the Tenderloin Halfway House is February 4, 2016. Keep your fingers crossed!.  Nothing is certain in this system, other than your final BOP date. If I am not approved soon to leave on an ankle monitor in February, I will be fully done with my incarceration and the Bureau of Prisons on March 5, 2016.  Yes! So no matter what I am nearly complete with this part of the process.

My experience with maneuvering through the halfway house process has had its challenges for sure. But honestly despite the location and environment of the Center, this phase has provided me with an opportunity to move from the “pause” phase of my life into the I must “get busy” phase. Especially since I have so many professional and social barriers ahead of me. The halfway house setting has not been ideal but it has been beneficial to me emotionally.

I am thankful I am almost home to my teenaged son.  There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty in regards to my future and again I am embracing that way of being and just planning to move forward as best as I can.

I am forever grateful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment.   And happy this is almost over.  Life is Good.

Peace
The journey continues…………..felonious phd 1/2016

A BRAND NEW ME……..Happy New Year 2016 is finally here!

     I have anxiously waited for the year 2016 to come. Not only because I will officially be free from the clutches of the Bureau of Prisons on March 5 2016, but also because I promised myself that In 2016 no matter what was going on in my life, I was going to re-commit myself to LOVE. To fully loving and embracing life and all that it has to offer.  

     I know that sounds strange to many who are tethered to me because I have and always will operate from a place of love. But my recommitment is a personal one, a conscious promise to myself. One that will transform my experience within the Federal Criminal Justice system and provide me with the will to dig deeper inside myself and heal. And I mean fully heal from the past six years. By doing so my goal is to internally and externally rise like the Phoenix not just professionally, personally or financially but spiritually as well. I am working on being a BRAND NEW ME. Not a changed me but a New me and that is exciting.   

     I have no idea what is ahead of me but at the same time I know I have the capacity, skills, passion and the drive to create a wonderful and loving next for myself. I have always been a winner and even in my losses I have found a way to win. My indictment and incarceration has forced me to let go of my old professional dreams, personal belongings and aspirations. It has also freed me from the worries I carried in regards to the State of the World or Universe and all that it encompasses. This experience has reminded me that I must start with me. Now I can allow myself to simply live life fearlessly and with love. For that I am thankful.

     There are many women, like myself, who are entering this dreadful system and I truly want them to know that they will get through it. All they have to do is make a commitment to self preservation and use the 5 P’s. That’s what got me through and continues to guide me as I began my exit from the incarcerated phase of this Criminal Justice Process. You must know and remind yourself daily that you have PURPOSE and no one or no system can dictate that for you. You also have to know that you still can dream of POSSIBILITIES for yourself. In the darkest and loneliest moments are when those possibilities become clear. Along with that you have to focus on PASSION and love to keep you human and sane and fight to keep your heart soft. Also be committed to using all of your PERSEVERANCE to sustain yourself through it all. And no matter what anyone says or does continue to PLAN for a better day. Even when the clock seems to move slowly and the days are long, you must continue to look towards tomorrow as you are inhabiting your today. 

     This is my year, I am claiming it and every year hereafter. Once again I am thankful and grateful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. This process has not been easy and next is going to be a challenge also. but I am prepared to do me.  

Happy New Year! Peace. 
The journey continues………….January 2016

Happy Holidays………. I had a FREE Christmas.

Last year I remember saying to myself, as I sat in the Federal Prison Camp in Victorville California, that Christmas is just another day.   There is nothing like not being with your family and friends or surrounded by that circle of love, or that peaceful, loving feeling you have when you are connected to people.  As human beings that is an innate and natural way of being for us. As women our entire lives are spent ensuring that those connections are nurtured and available.  So when we as a society, continuously imprison non violent human souls like myself, without even assessing the need to utilize alternative methods of punishment, we take the chance of seriously causing trauma to not only the imprisoned souls, but all of those souls that are tethered to them. I think of those imprisoned women souls that I spent the past two Christmas with often and they will forever be in my heart and my thoughts.   
I am thankful for many things these days. My life is far from what I have envisioned or planned but it is good. I am so happy my son is all of himself. There is no feeling or words to express how grateful I am to all of the people in our lives that has taken care of him during this period. I for one understand how many families who have been impacted by the criminal justice system are invisible. It was incredible to be able to spend the holidays with my family’s and friends, as I continue on with this journey, it reminds me that this process is not just about me. So happy this phase is almost over and I can end this chapter in my life. As always I am forever thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Peace. 

The journey continues…………12/2015

Three months of halfway house………….My next is around the corner!

     I have completed three of my six months of halfway house in the Residential Reentry Center. For me this period has been much more emotionally settling than being totally isolated and invisible at the Federal Prison Camp. Many of the women at the camp are afraid to enter into the halfway house setting for many reasons. I truly feel like it has been a much needed transition for me and I am thankful. This week I was able to visit with my Hometown family of East Palo Alto. They have been a major part of the past five years just as my Reno peeps and all those who are tethered to me have been. But other than my family my EPA peeps truly understand the depth of my angst in regards to being involved in the system. I have seen my sister from another mother and father Meg Sanders. I was able to visit with the “person” Rebecca Reynolds who has help me manage most of my crazy during this process. We were able to visit outside of the camp visiting room and I did not have on green. Too bad she could not earn her MFT hours from me because I am sure she would be done by now. Being able to go home for the first time on thanksgiving was phenomenal. Being able to have consistent phone contact with my family and my friends has assisted me with maneuvering towards my next and it eases my anxiety as I prepare to go home. Now I just need a job in Reno. Not the easiest place to be a felon so this is going to be a bit of a challenge for me but I will just have to see how it goes. Whew! Anyone have one call me! For real. 

     I can not imagine how emotionally challenging it must be for those individuals who have spent years and years behind bars. I just wish there were more services to assist with being successful in your transition. There Is so much work to be done if this system truly wants to make changes. As many of the older incarcerated souls have entered the halfway house after years of incarceration they are just left to figure things out on their own. Most will tell you they don’t care as long as they are almost free. I just know that eventually they will care and then what? There has been so much about this journey that has me planning to get a job save my money and buy a little shack near a beach town. I guess I have reached a point where I understand that nothing matters but love and peace of mind. Well and a good bottle of wine.  

     I am thankful my time is almost over, I can not say that enough. I am thankful for the people in my life that has walked through this with me. I know we have all endured a lot. I am ready for next. Peace. 

The journey continues………..12/2015