Diary of an imprisoned soul Part 12…………..My free Thanksgiving.

I don’t think the word ‘happy’ fully captures my current way of being. Being able to return home after two years and be welcomed by my friends and family was a moment I can not quite put into words. It felt like a dream. Like the many dreams I would have as I laid on the bottom bunk wishing I was home. Once again I have to say I am thankful. So many things in my life are uncertain and just plain complicated by this process but being loved and loving my friends and family makes it all okay. At Least for the moment.
Now as I sit in the halfway house back amongst the mice and roaches, lol. I could feel a piece of me becoming lonely and wishing this will hurry up and end. Nothing like wishing your time on earth away. Losing your freedom is truly a mind game and if you want to leave this space healthy in all areas of your life you have to force yourself to remain present. My visit was incredible I was reminded by my peeps that I love people. I love the conversations, the laughter, the joy and I love hearing their stories, the good ones as well as the not so good ones. I love my life which causes me to laugh a lot because of my current status but it is the truth.
I was also fortunate enough to spend some time with my son who did not skip a beat with his daily routine of playing call of duty. Life truly goes on that is a real good lesson for me. More importantly he is doing well and that has always been my number one concern.
Now I will prepare for Christmas and once again I will ask for a furlough to go home. This process of being in the middle of middle is very hard but I am grateful that I am able to re enter my life at any capacity considering how crazy this system tends to operate.
Seeing many of my foster boys who are all grown up with beards, families, careers and their own trials and tribulations was life changing. I know now that it does not matter what the judge, prosecutor or IRS agents believed, the fact is I love my kids and they know it.
The next phase of my journey is going to be very challenging and emotional. I fully feel like a blank slate and have so many ideas but no firm foundation. I mean I currently don’t even have a home lol. But knowing that no matter what I have support and Aaron is happy, I will fearlessly overcome any barriers that come my way. As always I am glad I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good. Peace

The journey continues……………….feloniousphd 11/2015

Diary of an Imprisoned Soul PT. 12………..Life right now is OKAY!

     I try to began each day by being thankful. Thankful that I, unlike many of the women with whom I developed friendship with, in the federal Prison Camp, am a few months from being done with the most challenging part of my life to date. After this experience, I have learned to leave room for whatever, Lol, just remaining aware of the fact that I can endure and excel through anything. Like I have stated many times, the hard part of this process for me has been the mental and emotional part of connecting with the fact that I am not free to do as please. And as I start to actively participate in my halfway free process I find that I am more aware of that fact, than I have ever been. 

     I know that we take our freedom for granted and I am not just speaking in terms of our physical freedom but all of our freedoms. Our freedom to love, to live however we choose, our freedom to be kind, our freedom to be evil. We often have propensity to abuse our freedoms and as I enter the best part of my life I want to always remember that during this process I fundamentally lost all of my rights to live as myself and how that loss deeply touched my soul to the core. I think I have always operated as a kind soul, who loved unconditionally but this is on a new level. I no longer want other to do as I feel they should do. That part of me is gone, I truly believe that we all fall into our own rightful place eventually or not. Lol.  

     Being in the “halfway” or “reentry” part of this process has been very eye opening. I am encountering barriers that I knew were there and would impact my life but no matter how much I have prepared myself for this transition it still hurts. It hurts because as I am labeled as being a serial money launderer and a serial fraud I know that it is not me. I am not saying I did not make any unintended mistakes but the public does not critically look at each individual, I am viewed as a ‘Bernie Madoff’ type criminal and sad to say that is much worse than being a drug addict or drug dealer in the eyes of the public. This is a strange and very interesting place to be in my life. It hurts to know that I will forever be judged by this experience when and only when I need something from someone else, like a job. Lol. So my goal is to create my own position in the world again and alleviate that barrier. In the meantime as I critically analyze how I am going to survive and what positions are available I laugh out loud. Because I can not work in health care for ten years and with the implementation of Obama care that pretty much pushes me out on the fringes lol. And that leaves retail and sales but I have 18 counts of money laundering so I am not to be trusted around money. I keep thinking to myself that this is some cosmic joke lol. I am not whining about it I am simply stating some real facts. The issues of reentry are troubling and challenging on many levels for lots of people not just myself. I know I encompass the ability to create my own space and place in the world but the challenge is just getting there. In the meantime I must focus on assisting my teenager son with transitioning into young adulthood. So that is where I will place the majority of my focus at this time. Being over 180 miles always from home makes that goal challenging, but in a few more months this too will be a part of my yesterday. And as my teenaged son reminded me last night when he said, ” mom don’t worry about things.so far in the future, just do today!” I was once again refocused on the current moment and no it is not how I planned it but it is okay.   

     I don’t know where I will end up but I do know that where ever and whatever I do I will be phenomenal. Because I know no other way to operate. I am once again thankful for my teenager son , family and friends. I am also and will forever be thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good.  
The journey continues…………………Felonious phd. 10/2015