The Felonious PhD.

White Collar Female PhD. Felon, Prison Camp, Re-Entry, Criminal Justice Reform. Women, Lesbian

Diary of an imprisoned soul Part 12…………..My free Thanksgiving.

I don’t think the word ‘happy’ fully captures my current way of being. Being able to return home after two years and be welcomed by my friends and family was a moment I can not quite put into words. It felt like a dream. Like the many dreams I would have as I laid on the bottom bunk wishing I was home. Once again I have to say I am thankful. So many things in my life are uncertain and just plain complicated by this process but being loved and loving my friends and family makes it all okay. At Least for the moment.
Now as I sit in the halfway house back amongst the mice and roaches, lol. I could feel a piece of me becoming lonely and wishing this will hurry up and end. Nothing like wishing your time on earth away. Losing your freedom is truly a mind game and if you want to leave this space healthy in all areas of your life you have to force yourself to remain present. My visit was incredible I was reminded by my peeps that I love people. I love the conversations, the laughter, the joy and I love hearing their stories, the good ones as well as the not so good ones. I love my life which causes me to laugh a lot because of my current status but it is the truth.
I was also fortunate enough to spend some time with my son who did not skip a beat with his daily routine of playing call of duty. Life truly goes on that is a real good lesson for me. More importantly he is doing well and that has always been my number one concern.
Now I will prepare for Christmas and once again I will ask for a furlough to go home. This process of being in the middle of middle is very hard but I am grateful that I am able to re enter my life at any capacity considering how crazy this system tends to operate.
Seeing many of my foster boys who are all grown up with beards, families, careers and their own trials and tribulations was life changing. I know now that it does not matter what the judge, prosecutor or IRS agents believed, the fact is I love my kids and they know it.
The next phase of my journey is going to be very challenging and emotional. I fully feel like a blank slate and have so many ideas but no firm foundation. I mean I currently don’t even have a home lol. But knowing that no matter what I have support and Aaron is happy, I will fearlessly overcome any barriers that come my way. As always I am glad I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good. Peace

The journey continues……………….feloniousphd 11/2015

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Laughing Is Contagious…

October 19, 2013

Saturday – 12pm

The day that I self-surrendered, another woman also turned herself in .  “V” is from Los Angeles and we immediately connected because we both found our new prison wardrobe hilarious!! Also, we were the joke of the camp because we self-surrendered on a holiday – which, I gather, is unheard of in these parts.

“V,” from Los Angeles, initially had a difficult time with being here.  No more than any of us, I guess, but she had no problem with letting it be known.  No tough exterior or pretending to be taking her transition well.

Now, “V” is walking around telling jokes and laughing.  Last night we had everyone in our area cracking up over the silliest of jokes.  I am horrible at telling jokes, but I am a hearty laugher.   I mean, when I laugh, I laugh and it can be heard! I think “V” has me beat!  We were laughing over the most basic, juvenile jokes.  You know, the kind that only make you laugh when you’ve had a little too much wine and everything is funny, or when you’re punch drunk from sleep-deprivation.  Those kind of jokes.  Here’s one for you.  What did the three-legged dog say to the bartender?  ” Who shot my paw?”  What the hell?  Did you laugh? I’m pretty sure you did NOT! But, we did!  And i mean we laughed hard enough to draw a crowd.  As they gathered, I realized that even under the most extreme and painful times in one’s life, laughter always changes the moment.  It brings joy to the most unbearable circumstances, and at times the most unbearable circumstances force you to laugh because, well, there’s nothing you can do to change those circumstances.

I am so thankful for my ability to laugh!

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Nine Days and Counting Down!

Okay I am now in the single digits.  Coming off a real big high at my, “see you later” party.  I am now focused on doing the last few things I have to do for my son.  Getting him organized and making sure he has what he needs before I leave.   The wonderful thing is he has so much support and love, I really don’t have to worry too much.  I just want to make their job as easy as possible.  I am so lucky he is so easy.  Such a good young man. 

I am also working on my book and magazine list, so that I can have them mailed to me.  This week is fully booked with my last minute goodbyes and hugs, dinners and lunch.  Then I will be heading out early Friday morning.   I have to admit is all feels a bit surreal.  Not just going to the Federal Camp, but the fact that the next 22 to 28 months will just be about me at the camp, at least for me.   I can’t wait to see how all of this turns out.  

This Thursday will be the last high school football game of my son’s I will be able to see for the next two seasons.  That is a perfect way to transition if you ask me.  I will miss the last three, but will have them recorded. 

Tomorrow I will focus on completing my contact list.  One I will attempt to take with me, the other I will mail to myself two days prior to surrendering.   Honestly, without a list I will not be able to call or email anyone.  My memory is horrible these days.  I have depended on my smart phone for years.  Hey, speaking of my smart phone, i have been connected to mine forever, whew!  Talking about withdrawals. It took me a while to adjust to not getting calls every 5 minutes after my business closed.  Then after we closed Ujima my phone went from being a crisis line to my life line!  I am in for a huge adjustment.  It will truly be an opportunity to just write.  I know I will survive but i know I will have dreams about my smart phone.  That is real!!!!!!

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Fifteen Days and Counting Down!

Woke up today feeling and moving a little slow.  With only a few things left on my, see you in 22 to 28 months list, I have decided to just relax and write.  The process of counting down has served several purposes for me.  One purpose is it gives my friends and familiy an insight into my thoughts and feelings as well as a  way for them to process my leaving in their own way.  It has also given me a way to discuss my challenges and feelings once.  I dont have to constantly repeat myself in regards to how i am feeling or what I am doing .  I am also finding that the blog is also informative for me.  Often when i write I do it from my heart, so I am connected to the words from the inside out.  And as I reread what I have written later in the day,  I hear and see the words that i have written from a spectator perspective.  So blogging has been a wonderful experience.

I am glad to have a space where I can share all of me throughout this experience.  I will continue this process once i am incarcerated, released to a halfway house, and finally free.  So please follow me til this journey and chapter is complete.  I plan to transcend this crazy, crazy process and continue to be happy, loving, caring and peaceful!   

So stay tuned, and have a wonderful and loving day!

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Sixteen Days and Counting Down!

September 28, 2013-  Sixteen days and counting down.  I spent the day hanging with my kids, nieces, nephews and grandkids.  My son brought over my grand babies to hang out with me.  I know I may sound redundant a lot of times but I really am thankful.  I have such an incredible family and group of friends.  As each day and night tick away I start thinking about how my life will look them and how theirs will look without me, for 22 to 28 months.  I know I will have phone calls and letters, so it will not be a total disconnect, but I will not be physically present in their lives.  It really is a strange concept when i think hard about  it.  And those who now me, understand that I am a thinker,  i love to visualize the future.  I find myself thinking things like…. I wonder if this person will finish college?  I hope that person goes to college.  I hope this person does what makes her happy.  It will great if that person met someone nice.  Just little thoughts of discussions I have had for years with people regarding their love lives, careers and future.  It will be great see what happens.

When the sun went down, we ended a wonderful day with the kids playing hide and go seek.  It was a quiet and fun day.  The one thing I do know for sure is that my family and friends will all take care of each other like they have been there for me the past three years.

 

 

For that I am very Thankful!

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Seventeen Days and Counting Down!

A little over two-weeks left before I transition into my new setting and experience at the camp.  Many of my family and friends are planning an early holiday dinner potluck on October 5th.  It will give everyone an opportunity  say to, “see you later”.  I am not one who likes to say goodbye.  I think I got that from my grandmother she would never say goodbye!  She would just give a little wave and say, “see you later”.

As I get closer to the October dinner,  I have been receiving calls and texts from my loved ones, and friends expressing how difficult it is to believe this is actually happening.   To help many of them process this experience I try to remind them that nothing lasts forever and it will end.  That is certain!  Also let them know that one thing I have learned in my lifetime is that life will go on.

My home has always hosted the family holiday dinners so it is challenging leaving so close to the holidays.  I loved every minute of it.  Then menu always included, homemade macaroni and cheese, corn casserole, green bean casserole, candied yams and of course turkey and ham.  My nephew would also do a deep-fried turkey and enjoy flaunting it around to everyone before it was eaten and demolished in seconds. Everyone else would bring a dish and desserts and drinks.  I am a pro at it.  I loved having all of the kids running around playing, crying and laughing.  It is sort of like the Soul Food movie, but my family is like the rainbow,  We have every flavor.

So October 5th will be wonderful in one way and a little sad in another way.  Traditions will be put on pause, adjusted and modified for me and everyone else will create new memories and ways of being.  That is what I love about the human spirit.  We truly have the capacity to push through anything if we allow ourselves to do it.  So I am sure we will all be fine, still laugh, eat and enjoy the company of others no matter where we are.  There is nothing wrong with change.  It also gives someone else an opportunity to be the center of such a wonderful, incredible, dedicated and loving crew.  I am Thankful for my Peeps! Read the rest of this entry »

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Twenty-Three days and Counting Down!!!

I have been a  Foster Mom, Mentor, Friend and Counselor to well over 200 hundred kids in Child Welfare throughout my career.  The three year investigation and indictment took a major toll on my passion to work in and advocate for the Child Welfare System and Behavioral Health Profession.  Last night I recieved an inbox facebook message similiar to many I have gotten over the past three years, that reminded me once again that my love, dedication and commitment to love and serve others unconditionally will not go unnoticed.  Last night that message reassured me that my purpose over the past 27 years was well served and always will be.  Many  of the messages and comments of support that i have recieved from others has to do with their disbelief in the fact that I have been labelled a “felon”, and the impact that will have on my future.  Specifically my future in the field of Counseling and Child Welfare, where I have dedicated my whole lifes work.   I have to admit that most of their worries are warranted.  Because of the strict laws and background checks, my new label is a severe barrier.  

So, all i can say to all, is that I will find another career path.  One that I am just as passionate about.  One that will allow me to love and give hope to others unconditionally.  One that will provide a space for me to laugh abundantly.  I want to say thanks to O.J. for your message last night.   

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C.D. Little PhD., 49 year old African American Female

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My goal and motivation for the next 22 to 28 months.

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