The Felonious PhD.

White Collar Female PhD. Felon, Prison Camp, Re-Entry, Criminal Justice Reform. Women, Lesbian

Diary of an Imprisoned Soul PT. 12………..Life right now is OKAY! 

     I try to began each day by being thankful. Thankful that I, unlike many of the women with whom I developed friendship with, in the federal Prison Camp, am a few months from being done with the most challenging part of my life to date. After this experience, I have learned to leave room for whatever, Lol, just remaining aware of the fact that I can endure and excel through anything. Like I have stated many times, the hard part of this process for me has been the mental and emotional part of connecting with the fact that I am not free to do as please. And as I start to actively participate in my halfway free process I find that I am more aware of that fact, than I have ever been. 

     I know that we take our freedom for granted and I am not just speaking in terms of our physical freedom but all of our freedoms. Our freedom to love, to live however we choose, our freedom to be kind, our freedom to be evil. We often have propensity to abuse our freedoms and as I enter the best part of my life I want to always remember that during this process I fundamentally lost all of my rights to live as myself and how that loss deeply touched my soul to the core. I think I have always operated as a kind soul, who loved unconditionally but this is on a new level. I no longer want other to do as I feel they should do. That part of me is gone, I truly believe that we all fall into our own rightful place eventually or not. Lol.  

     Being in the “halfway” or “reentry” part of this process has been very eye opening. I am encountering barriers that I knew were there and would impact my life but no matter how much I have prepared myself for this transition it still hurts. It hurts because as I am labeled as being a serial money launderer and a serial fraud I know that it is not me. I am not saying I did not make any unintended mistakes but the public does not critically look at each individual, I am viewed as a ‘Bernie Madoff’ type criminal and sad to say that is much worse than being a drug addict or drug dealer in the eyes of the public. This is a strange and very interesting place to be in my life. It hurts to know that I will forever be judged by this experience when and only when I need something from someone else, like a job. Lol. So my goal is to create my own position in the world again and alleviate that barrier. In the meantime as I critically analyze how I am going to survive and what positions are available I laugh out loud. Because I can not work in health care for ten years and with the implementation of Obama care that pretty much pushes me out on the fringes lol. And that leaves retail and sales but I have 18 counts of money laundering so I am not to be trusted around money. I keep thinking to myself that this is some cosmic joke lol. I am not whining about it I am simply stating some real facts. The issues of reentry are troubling and challenging on many levels for lots of people not just myself. I know I encompass the ability to create my own space and place in the world but the challenge is just getting there. In the meantime I must focus on assisting my teenager son with transitioning into young adulthood. So that is where I will place the majority of my focus at this time. Being over 180 miles always from home makes that goal challenging, but in a few more months this too will be a part of my yesterday. And as my teenaged son reminded me last night when he said, ” mom don’t worry about things.so far in the future, just do today!” I was once again refocused on the current moment and no it is not how I planned it but it is okay.   

     I don’t know where I will end up but I do know that where ever and whatever I do I will be phenomenal. Because I know no other way to operate. I am once again thankful for my teenager son , family and friends. I am also and will forever be thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good.  
The journey continues…………………Felonious phd. 10/2015

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Nine Days and Counting Down!

Okay I am now in the single digits.  Coming off a real big high at my, “see you later” party.  I am now focused on doing the last few things I have to do for my son.  Getting him organized and making sure he has what he needs before I leave.   The wonderful thing is he has so much support and love, I really don’t have to worry too much.  I just want to make their job as easy as possible.  I am so lucky he is so easy.  Such a good young man. 

I am also working on my book and magazine list, so that I can have them mailed to me.  This week is fully booked with my last minute goodbyes and hugs, dinners and lunch.  Then I will be heading out early Friday morning.   I have to admit is all feels a bit surreal.  Not just going to the Federal Camp, but the fact that the next 22 to 28 months will just be about me at the camp, at least for me.   I can’t wait to see how all of this turns out.  

This Thursday will be the last high school football game of my son’s I will be able to see for the next two seasons.  That is a perfect way to transition if you ask me.  I will miss the last three, but will have them recorded. 

Tomorrow I will focus on completing my contact list.  One I will attempt to take with me, the other I will mail to myself two days prior to surrendering.   Honestly, without a list I will not be able to call or email anyone.  My memory is horrible these days.  I have depended on my smart phone for years.  Hey, speaking of my smart phone, i have been connected to mine forever, whew!  Talking about withdrawals. It took me a while to adjust to not getting calls every 5 minutes after my business closed.  Then after we closed Ujima my phone went from being a crisis line to my life line!  I am in for a huge adjustment.  It will truly be an opportunity to just write.  I know I will survive but i know I will have dreams about my smart phone.  That is real!!!!!!

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Fourteen Days and Counting Down!

Oh man, two weeks to go before I will be heading to Victorville to self-surrender.  I am  honestly ready to get this part of the journey started, experienced and completed.  Staying true to who I am and how my mind operates, I know there is always a beginning of a process or journey and then there is the middle where all of the action occurs and followed by the conclusion.  I will manage this chapter of my life the same way.  Tomorrow one of my sons and his family are coming to town from Ksnsas to see me before I leave.  I am excited to see them all it is going to be a good week.     

Today I am going to continue to take some of my little things to the storage.  I am trying to just keep the things I know I will need the next week. 

 My youngest son seems to be adjusted well at this point.  That makes me happy and hopeful.  I am planning to leave little notes for him reminding him that I love him and that he needs to continue to progress in school and athletics.  The plans for his life has not changed, they will just be monitored by other family members while I am gone.  

I am planning to call him often so that he continues to hear my nagging!! lol  

Friends have asked me if I was afraid.  And I honestly have to say no I am not.  I know that I will be meeting women who are just like me…  So there is no need to be afraid.  I am just anxious, I have the same feeling I used to get before a basketball game, big meeting, or any other situation where i will have to give of myself.  I would always prepared mentally and I think that is what I have done since I recieved my sentence.  

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