The Felonious PhD.

White Collar Female PhD. Felon, Prison Camp, Re-Entry, Criminal Justice Reform. Women, Lesbian

Diary of an Imprisoned Soul PT. 12………..Life right now is OKAY! 

on October 25, 2015

     I try to began each day by being thankful. Thankful that I, unlike many of the women with whom I developed friendship with, in the federal Prison Camp, am a few months from being done with the most challenging part of my life to date. After this experience, I have learned to leave room for whatever, Lol, just remaining aware of the fact that I can endure and excel through anything. Like I have stated many times, the hard part of this process for me has been the mental and emotional part of connecting with the fact that I am not free to do as please. And as I start to actively participate in my halfway free process I find that I am more aware of that fact, than I have ever been. 

     I know that we take our freedom for granted and I am not just speaking in terms of our physical freedom but all of our freedoms. Our freedom to love, to live however we choose, our freedom to be kind, our freedom to be evil. We often have propensity to abuse our freedoms and as I enter the best part of my life I want to always remember that during this process I fundamentally lost all of my rights to live as myself and how that loss deeply touched my soul to the core. I think I have always operated as a kind soul, who loved unconditionally but this is on a new level. I no longer want other to do as I feel they should do. That part of me is gone, I truly believe that we all fall into our own rightful place eventually or not. Lol.  

     Being in the “halfway” or “reentry” part of this process has been very eye opening. I am encountering barriers that I knew were there and would impact my life but no matter how much I have prepared myself for this transition it still hurts. It hurts because as I am labeled as being a serial money launderer and a serial fraud I know that it is not me. I am not saying I did not make any unintended mistakes but the public does not critically look at each individual, I am viewed as a ‘Bernie Madoff’ type criminal and sad to say that is much worse than being a drug addict or drug dealer in the eyes of the public. This is a strange and very interesting place to be in my life. It hurts to know that I will forever be judged by this experience when and only when I need something from someone else, like a job. Lol. So my goal is to create my own position in the world again and alleviate that barrier. In the meantime as I critically analyze how I am going to survive and what positions are available I laugh out loud. Because I can not work in health care for ten years and with the implementation of Obama care that pretty much pushes me out on the fringes lol. And that leaves retail and sales but I have 18 counts of money laundering so I am not to be trusted around money. I keep thinking to myself that this is some cosmic joke lol. I am not whining about it I am simply stating some real facts. The issues of reentry are troubling and challenging on many levels for lots of people not just myself. I know I encompass the ability to create my own space and place in the world but the challenge is just getting there. In the meantime I must focus on assisting my teenager son with transitioning into young adulthood. So that is where I will place the majority of my focus at this time. Being over 180 miles always from home makes that goal challenging, but in a few more months this too will be a part of my yesterday. And as my teenaged son reminded me last night when he said, ” mom don’t worry about things.so far in the future, just do today!” I was once again refocused on the current moment and no it is not how I planned it but it is okay.   

     I don’t know where I will end up but I do know that where ever and whatever I do I will be phenomenal. Because I know no other way to operate. I am once again thankful for my teenager son , family and friends. I am also and will forever be thankful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. Life is good.  
The journey continues…………………Felonious phd. 10/2015

Advertisements

2 responses to “Diary of an Imprisoned Soul PT. 12………..Life right now is OKAY! 

  1. thankful reader says:

    You are doing an awesome job! Keep your head up. Your are where you were meant to be right now and your life will only get better from here. You will find something and you will help others as you are helping many just by writing this blog.
    Your son speaks words of wisdom. Live in today for tomorrow is never promised!
    Many blessings to your and your family.

    • Thanks a lot. I will continue to write because of women like you who have informed me that it is helpful. Even as I move through and out of BOP I will continue to talk about the transition. Thanks again. Take care.

Leave a Reply to thankful reader Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: