The Felonious PhD.

White Collar Female PhD. Felon, Prison Camp, Re-Entry, Criminal Justice Reform. Women, Lesbian

TRAJECTORY Part 2……………………..This Time In My Life!

on September 2, 2015

Only those who are tethered to me are aware of the challenges I have overcome throughout my lifetime. I was very fortunate to be raised by two very strong willed Grandmothers, and I was equally fortunate to be birthed by my very resilient and strong-willed mother.

During her young to mid adulthood, my mother was addicted to drugs, and during that period in her life she spent a tremendous amount of time operating opposite of being a parent or law abiding citizen. Because of my history with my mother and father I chose to orchestrate a life for myself that was structurally and emotionally opposite of my mother. Yet, years later I have found myself on a similar physical path that she once travelled as she was using drugs. So similar that I am going to the halfway house in the “Tenderloin” area of San Francisco, where she and my step-father often disappeared to as they nurtured their addictions. The irony is not only profound but at times hysterical to me to say the least, (whew!).
My childhood and adulthood in context of my womanhood was completely influenced by two Grandmothers. My maternal grandmother lived her life as I remember it “on bended knees,” completely faithful on one hand and absolutely self sacrificing on the other hand. She was the most hard working, giving and prayerful woman I knew. But she always carried a level of pain and sadness that consumed her and often made her seem angry. She loved her 7 children, and her grandchildren whom she was forced to periodically raise,  the best she could. My maternal grandmother worked very hard until she simply could not work anymore and she enjoyed that level of independence. Daily she would pray, work, and enjoy her gospel music, only to go to bed early, get up the next day and pretty much do the same thing over and over again. Then she died…. or as she said she peacefully went “HOME”.

My paternal grandmother reserved her best energy for herself. Always graciously ushering her loved ones into her home for company and her weekly Sunday dinners then very promptly, at sunset, she would lovingly bid a happy farewell to all as she closed her doors and curtains to enjoy her peaceful space by herself. My paternal grandmother lived her life serving others at times but truly on her own terms once she decided not to work outside of the home anymore. She did not allow others to intrude on her space and she operated without any guilt. Then she died.  She too passed on peacefully.
At the incredible age of 51 years old, I know that I have lived the first half of my life similar to how my Maternal Grandmother lived hers – very dutifully. I am so glad I had her example to put my life in context as the trajectory of my life has changed. I will consciously live the second half of my life similar to my Paternal Grandmother. I will do so without guilt or regret. By being conscious of the examples of the “ways of being” from the women in my life. After this traumatic and life changing experience, I know that I can live my life peacefully and lovingly. I have seen some wonderful examples of how to make that happen.
As I leave the Camp, I will leave this part of my journey behind and continue to operate as my loving self and operate Beyond Resilient. I know for a fact I am “Bon-Bon’s” kid (my mother’s name is Yvonne but my sisters and I, among ourselves, call her “Bon Bon”) and we have her blood running through our veins. That alone will provide me with unyielding strength and courage to overcome anything. I am forever grateful that I was born and raised to be who and where I am at any given moment. As I move forward in this Criminal Justice process and through my life cycle it is more and more apparent that I am, who I am, not by accident! I am also thankful that I am almost home to my teenaged son. Life truly is worth living.

The journey continues……………………………………………….felonious phd 9/2015

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